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From the full version of Sunnyside's Lousy Book

What a Family

By rigging my phone, the city did a fine job of making my business go under. Then on top of that, they took money right out of my pocket with their trumped up court cost. My work load thinned out and the jobs (working for other businesses) I came across didn't last long. Therefore I did need the retainer money pay my bills during the winter months even without going to jail.
      I had a notion the games being played on me would simmer down if I managed to get my patent application filed. I was feeling desperate to come up with money for my patent lawyer. I was sure they would keep sending me problems if I didn't and I was hoping I'd find some help if I did get it filed.
      I asked myself, what would anyone else in my family do if they needed money? Well no doubt they would go ask for a personal loan from my aunt Rosebud. I'd known that my parents and both of my sisters had borrowed money from her in the past, so why shouldn't I give it a try? If she doesn't have the money, she could ask her new son in-law Dillenger who just happened to be an old friend of mine and part owner of a major construction company. And if Dillenger didn’t have the money to loan me, maybe he might ask his older brother Rocky whom I've known from the time I was his paper boy.
      Rocky made the big time with his construction company and a few government contracts. He's the major shareholder in the company owned by himself, his younger brother Dillenger, and another friend of theirs. Rocky happens to be a millionaire now.
      Since Rocky and Dillenger are in the construction trade; I figured that they would realize the value of a truck with change-able beds and might come up with the five grand if I just worked the ropes.
      I stopped by my aunt's place to inquire about a loan. The whole experience turned out to be a little queer. The mental ill-ness bit came up and I assured her it was nothing to worry about. I said that I didn't think it was a long term problem and that it was just a product of the stress and anxiety received from trying to come up with the money for a patent application. I told her I was desperate for the money and if I had the application filed, it would give me a piece of mind and I wouldn't be experiencing so much anxiety.
      She thought of the idea of my truck having changeable beds was a good one and not to show it to anyone. She told me she was tapped out because the cost of her new sewer system, but said she would see what she could do about rounding up some cash from the others to help me.
      During the visit, my Uncle Bozo arrived home from work. As Bozo walked through the family room were Rosebud and I were sitting having a chat. He walked through and "Hi." was all he said. He went strait into the kitchen and a few moments later, my aunt joined him. I did make out one remark he said concerning me in a smart aleck way. "Did he say anything?”
      For some reason, Bozo still seemed to have some kind of a grudge against me. Maybe it's because he's not very mechanically inclined and I usually have advice or knowledge of certain things. It's my guess my knowledge of things must intimidate him and I've noticed whenever he has a few coattails in him and I'm around, it's easy to tell he doesn't like me, just as the time at Christmas he told me I was a know-it-all.
      Later on that evening after meeting with my aunt Rosebud, I stopped by Boob Head and Dana's place. I mentioned I'd gone to see Rosebud about borrowing the money I needed for filing my patent application. With some anticipation I told them she was going to try to round up a personal loan for me. Boob replied by informing me that she just called around to everyone and advised them not to loan me any money. Stupid Rule Number 85: With Friends like that, who needs enemies?
      Now we have to wonder why she would get sucked unto the conspiracy game. It’s obvious she wanted me to give up on it. I wonder if she was told the patent was stolen. Was she sucked into the idea that it might cost less if there wasn't a patent on it? The peculiar thing about it is why she was even concerned if anyone saw my truck? Was it so people wouldn't know I had invented it? Maybe she was afraid I'd end up dead because of it. Who knows? Stupid Rule Number 26: You tell me and we'll both know.
      One thing we do know is that she flat out lied to me about trying to round up some money for me. She did the complete opposite and it was like stabbing me in the back. You can bet she's one aunt I won't miss and I'll easily forget when I'm rich and famous. Heck, why would she care anyway? She thinks she's upper class already.
      Funny thing about what she said during our queer little visit. She bragged about how well her daughter did by marrying my buddy Dillenger. She said, "I don't mean money wise. I mean he's a real nice guy and a good father and husband." Well folks, the marriage ended in less a month later. I'd say, Stupid Rule Number 23: "Don't count your chickens before they hatch.” wouldn't you?
      I laughed when I heard about the divorce. The next time I saw Dillenger after hearing about it, I told him what Rosebud said about him just weeks before he and my cousin Jewels separated. I told Dillenger that the odd thing about his marriage was how it affected my whole family. It divided the family into to separate classes and I felt it all started by Rosebud turning into upper class because her daughter married a good looking rich guy.
      Then there is my older sister Disco D., who thinks she's upper class because she has a mini-van for taking the kids to soccer practice and a cell phone like Rosebud has. She also has the superiority complex many teachers have because she works as a teacher’s aide. Disco D tends to think you are somebody special if you're married with children. She started out early with that idea when she was in high school. Some of her friends told me about her having the wedding dress with lavender trim picked out because she had planned to marry the neighbor guy Hiccup. I'm sure the wedding had never entered the Hiccup's mind because I used to hang out with him in the Monday Night Gang. He had to quit sleeping outside in the summer because of her, if you can figure out why.

Disco D. ended up with a white wedding with Motor. I like Motor and he happens to be the only one in my family I can identify with. Get this: Disco divorced Motor and I found out about it by accident over six months after the fact. Her reason for the divorce was that she thinks he drinks too much. Gee, if I was married to a gal like Disco D., I'd drink all the time too. Since the divorce, they've found themselves living together anyway. I'm pretty sure it is because of co-dependencies with the cash flow and I wouldn't doubt Motor sleeps on the couch, but I'm sure he likes it better than sleeping in a trailer parked outside in his friend’s yard.
      Amongst the family, Boob and Dana are probably thought of as a nice childless couple, but they're considered middle class. They're about the best aunt and uncle my niece and nephew could ever have. I wish I could have been a better uncle for them, but it wasn’t until the year of the fire that I was amounting to anything that had any financial significance to it. The conspiracy that has fallow has turned my life into survivor mode and I don’t consider myself much more than a homeless person.
      Although Disco is hot for the guys at the country western bar, she slipped up once and told me I'm the looser. She has denied it since then but don't worry about me. I'll do just fine without their support.
      Some of you will probably think much of what I’ve written about my family is unethical, but I’ll probably be dead before they ever read it, if they ever read it at all. I've seen Rosebud once then, but I'll save it for later.

The next chapter of Sunnyside's Lousy Book is:


Happy Holidays, My Ass


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What a Family is:


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